♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
(sighs)
Blanche Devereaux's goin' on a diet.
Could you hold off until tomorrow?
I got some Sara Lee stock I'd like to unload.
Wait. Can I have those gummy bears?
They are good, aren't they?
Oh, I don't eat 'em. Then why do you want 'em?
To play army.
And sometimes I like to line 'em up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.
Blanche, you put yourself through this hell every year.
Are you sure it's worth it? Of course it's worth it.
On my anniversary, every year since I was married,
I have slipped into my wedding dress and had my picture taken.
George was always so proud of me for stayin' svelte.
I'm gonna get into that dress this year even if it kills me.
It's not you I'm worried about.
The last time you went on a diet,
you turned into that guy from Silence of the Lambs.
You did everything but butter my face.
It's gonna be different this time.
See, I'm on this drink-it-off diet.
"You have two shakes and a sensible meal every day,
you lose weight the fast easy way."
I prefer the Italian diet.
You drink a bottle of wine, make a smart remark,
then get your jaw wired.
Oh, Dorothy, a man called for you while you were out.
Finally. Now we can break out that bottle of champagne we've been saving.
Ma.
Come on, Dorothy.
We might not get another chance.
Oh, sure we will. We can just serve it at the wake.
He says he's in Miami on business and he wants to see you.
John Neretti called.
I haven't heard from him in almost 40 years.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Who's John Neretti?
He's a guy who humiliated me.
Could you narrow it down a bit, Dorothy?
He's the guy who stood me up for my senior prom.
Oh, Dorothy, I had no idea
you were stood up for your prom.
Oh, that's awful.
I figured you didn't go, but to be stood up.
Oh, John Neretti was one of the toughest guys in my high school.
He smoked, he drank, he made those rude noises under his armpit.
I was totally in love with him.
And when he asked me to go to the senior prom,
I was thrilled.
When I came down the stairs all dressed, Ma cried
because her little girl was all grown up.
And she remarked that that night
would always be the most memorable and important night
that the two of us ever shared.
Remember, Ma?
Vaguely.
But John never showed up. I've never forgotten it.
But apparently he has, or he wouldn't have had the nerve to call here.
You're not gonna call him back, are ya?
Oh, absolutely.
If John comes to Miami, I want to see him.
I don't think that's such a good idea, Pussycat.
Ma, don't you see?
When John Neretti gets here, I'm finally going to get my revenge.
He's going to see a beautiful vibrant woman
who's done something with her life.
Well, Dorothy, I'd like to help, but -
I can't go out with him on such short notice.
I meant "done something with her life standing up."
I'm talking about me.
Oh, my revenge will be to make John feel as bad as he made me feel.
I want him to see me, see my life,
so he'll know exactly what he missed.
She doesn't know a whole lot about revenge, does she?
Well, I'm ready for John.
Oh, I've waited a long time for this night.
Dorothy, I'm begging you. Don't go out with this guy.
He hurt you once, he'll hurt you again.
I am not going out with him.
But you said you were gonna make him suffer.
Don't you have to date a man to do that?
Not this time.
No, I have my plan all worked out, step by step.
First he'll comment on how stunning I look,
and then I'll say, "Oh, John, did we have a date tonight?
Oh, I completely forgot."
And as he crumbles, I will show him the door.
What if he doesn't comment on how stunning you look?
Then you'll bring it up.
Time for my shake.
Honey, how you doin' with this diet?
Oh, no problem. Piece of cake.
Nice big piece of chocolate cake.
Devil's food,
smothered in whipped cream and coconut flakes.
And a lobster. Blanche.
Ohh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ooh, a wonderful strawberry shake.
(whirs)
Strawberry. Mmm.
I bet that'd go great with a burger.
Ma, you're being a little insensitive, aren't you?
A little. Who wants an éclair?
(doorbell rings)
Oh, God, that's John.
Oh, I just hope I can be mean enough.
Dorothy, do that thing you do to me in the morning
when I try to take a piece of bacon off your plate.
Blanche, I want to tell you something.
I've never weighed more than 100 pounds
on any day of my adult life.
And because you're my friend, I want you to sit down,
and I'll share with you that secret.
Tell me, Sophia.
I was born that way.
I could eat anything and never get fat.
Did anyone ever tell you you look like George Kirby?
No, no. Wait, wait.
It's time that John Neretti learned a lesson.
That I am not that same little girl whose head can be turned
by a pair of beautiful eyes and a killer smile.
(doorbell rings)
Now.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, look at you.
You're as beautiful now as you were then. How have you been?
I love you!
I, uh...
I'd love you to meet my friend Rose.
Oh. Hi. John Neretti. Shall we go?
We've got reservations at 8:30.
Take me.
Out.
Take me out for dinner. Sure.
Dorothy... Ahem.
I thought you were gonna make him suffer. Oh, and I will.
Tomorrow morning I'll tell him he's the worst lover I ever had.
Hope you like medieval food.
I love it.
Just glad I didn't have it for lunch.
Good evening, my lord. Good evening, my lady.
I am Don. I will be your fool for the entire evening.
Would you like to know about our specials?
We have pheasant and we have wild boar.
How is the pheasant?
You like chicken? Yes.
It's chicken.
Why don't you bring us a couple of grogs while we think about it?
Diet grog if you have it.
(♪ Guitar)
♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
♪ A tale of a fateful trip
♪ That started from this tropic port
♪ Aboard this tiny ship...
Gee, it's so strange sitting here with you.
I mean, you're so different. Why?
Well, I remember you as that tough kid in a leather jacket.
Fights, vandalism.
You were really a juvenile delinquent.
But that's all behind you. Tell me, what do you do now?
I manufacture spray paint.
At least all that training didn't go to waste.
♪ If not for the courage of that fearless crew
♪ The Minnow would be lost
♪ The Minnow would be lost...
It's wonderful seeing you again.
I'd forgotten how charming, how vivacious,
how - how lovely -
Two knights and a rabbi walked into a bar.
And the first one said I would -
You were saying...?
Well, I was about to say I'm gonna be in town for a few more days.
Can we get together Friday night? Oh, I can't on Friday.
The high school where I teach is having its senior prom that night.
I promised I'd chaperone.
Can you bring a date? You can't be serious.
I'll buy you a corsage. Make it orchids.
Just make sure you show up this time. What do you mean?
You didn't show up at our last prom.
Not that I ever think of it.
What are you talking about? I showed up. What?
Yeah. Your mother sent me away. She what?
She said I was dressed like a bum
and slammed the door in my face. She what?
♪ The millionaire and his wi-i-ife ♪
Something wrong? Oh, no, no, not at all.
But I'll tell you, on the way out,
I would like to stop at the gift shop.
I'm gonna be needing one of those spiked balls on a chain.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Dorothy. Bye, Dorothy.
Ma, come back.
I wanna sit and have a little talk.
Why?
Come on, now, would it hurt
to spend a little time with your daughter?
That remains to be seen.
Rose, would you excuse us just for a minute?
Sure. I know that tone of voice.
(singsong) Somebody's gonna get it.
Ma, I'm going to ask you a question,
and however you answer, I'll believe you.
Did you tell John Neretti to go away the night of my senior prom
because you didn't like the way he was dressed?
Well...
Liar!
You knew John showed up that night, and you didn't tell me.
You didn't want me to go out with him tonight. You knew he'd bring it up.
I can explain. Just don't lock me away in another ill-equipped nursing home.
I promise nothing.
It's true. I did send him away that night
because he was dressed like a hood.
He started to mouth off to me, so I told him to leave
and not to come back until he was wearing a decent jacket and a tie.
Why didn't you tell me? I thought he'd come back, and when he didn't,
well, I was afraid if you knew the truth, you'd never forgive me.
It's water under the bridge. What's the big deal?
Stanley Zbornak, Ma. That's the big deal.
When John didn't show up that night,
I lost all my self-esteem.
And when Stan asked me out two weeks later, I said yes,
because I didn't think I could do any better.
That's why I went to that drive-in movie with Stan,
and that's why I got pregnant.
And that's why I got married.
Are you saying if it wasn't for me, you would have married John Neretti?
I don't know. Maybe.
Or maybe I would have met somebody else,
somebody wonderful.
But I'll never know because of you.
You took away my choices.
How can I ever forgive you for that?
Time for today's sensible meal.
Where's my tuna quiche?
You heard me.
I said, where's my tuna quiche?
I get 5 ounces of solid food a day, and I want my tuna quiche.
You mean that little pie?
Little pie? Little pie?
I wanted a snack. A snack?!
I thought it was a little fishy.
Oh, you ate my sensible meal.
You ate my sensible meal!
Blanche, stop. Blanche!
You're out of control.
Oh, my God. Oh, Rose, honey, I'm sorry.
What did I just do?
This.
Honey, we know dieting is hard.
We've all been there.
I remember the time Stan and I went
on that weight-loss- through-sex diet.
The idea being every time you felt hungry,
you would substitute food with some sexual activity.
Did it work? I gained 18 pounds.
Well, fine. I won't have my sensible meal.
Tomorrow's my anniversary anyway.
I'll just have my last shake tonight.
Where's my shake?
You heard me. I said, where's my shake?
I needed something to wash down the little pie.
Aah!
It was so fishy.
I don't believe you.
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm still hungry.
Oh, shut up!
Just shut up,
you babblin', bubble-headed, bleach-blond...
Baboon. ...baboon!
She needed a "B."
(doorbell rings)
John. Ooh.
I'll go get Dorothy. Won't you have a seat?
Mrs. Petrillo.
It's John Neretti.
Well, you haven't aged a bit.
(louder) I said, you haven't aged a bit.
I hear you. I'm not deaf.
"Haven't staged a hit"?
Oh, John, I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Dorothy.
You remember my lying vicious toad of a mother.
Is there a problem? Oh, not at all.
Happy as ever at Happiness House.
Aww.
Well, I guess we should be going.
Oh, not before I get a picture. Oh, Rose.
Oh, come on, Dorothy, it's your prom picture. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese.
Now smile.
We'll save a lot of time if you just do it.
Have a good time. Thank you.
I never got to go to the junior prom in St. Olaf.
How come?
It was just for people named "Junior."
It fits.
My wedding dress fits.
Congratulations.
You weren't married in a white dress?
Oh, Rose, come on.
It's one thing to hear snickering
when you walk down the aisle, but me in white?
Even I couldn't keep a straight face.
OK, Rose, come on, take the picture.
I gotta hand it to you, Blanche. I never thought you'd fit into that thing.
Well, all the pain and torture were worth it.
George would be so proud of me.
My body's just as lithe and taut as the day we were wed.
Blanche...
Nothing.
It was an enchanting evening.
"Enchanted Evening."
That was the theme of that prom that we never got to.
Little more romantic than the theme they had tonight.
"Wear A Condom" is more than a prom theme.
It's sort of become the school slogan.
It's catchy.
Oh, I wish Stan had gone to that high school.
You know, I... I've got a little confession to make.
One of the reasons I wanted to see you again
was to, well, show you how well I turned out.
Well, I wanted to show you how well I turned out.
I mean, I was a mess in high school. We all were.
Yeah. Except for what was her name? Roseanne De Rasmo.
Oh, she had it all together.
I wonder whatever happened to her.
She turned into a bitter lonely lady.
Came into a lot of money.
At least, that's how she was after our divorce.
I had a wonderful time tonight.
So did I.
I'm just sorry I messed up in high school.
It wasn't your fault. That was my mother's.
Actually, I've always wanted
to thank your mother for that night. Why?
For not letting me take you out.
She took one look at my clothes and my attitude.
She said it wasn't good enough for her daughter.
Her little girl deserved better.
She actually said that? Yeah.
And a whole lot of Italian words.
I'm not too sure if it was a curse,
but I did talk like a girl for about three weeks.
It was a turning point in my life.
That's when I finally started growing up.
And all that happened because of my mother?
I like to think so.
Tell you another thing I remember about that night.
How nervous I was. Nervous? About what?
Our good-night kiss. I was terrified.
I figured, "Oh, she's not gonna want me to kiss her good night.
She'll -"
It was worth waiting for.
Can I call you next time I get back to town?
I'd like that.
Good night.
Don't take me, Death. Don't take me.
Oh, it's you.
Ma, you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, Ma, I said some terrible things to you, and I'm sorry.
I'm responsible for all the decisions I made in my life,
and if my life didn't turn out perfectly, well...
whose has?
Mary Ann Mobley comes to mind.
She gets to sleep with Gary Collins every night.
Every night.
No, what I'm trying to say is
we all make the best decisions we can make
with what we know.
Exactly. Just like it was on the night of your prom.
I did what I thought was best. I was wrong.
I'm sorry, but you were my first.
You didn't come with a book of instructions.
Anyway, all I ever wanted was the best for my little girl.
Because you deserved it. I didn't want you to settle for less.
You still think of me as your little girl?
Of course I do.
In fact, come on.
Sit on my lap for old times' sake.
Oh, come on, Ma. You can't be serious.
I mean, I'm a grown woman.
What's wrong with a mother wanting to hold her child?
Dorothy, do this for me. Sit on my lap.
Well, if you're sure. I...
Oh, Ma.
Oh, this brings back so many memories.
The time I was five... Bad idea! Bad idea!
Ma, you all right?
I'm fine. I just panicked for a minute.
Come, sit down here.
Oh, Ma. This is just like old times.
So tell me, did you have a good time tonight at your prom, Pussycat?
Wonderful, Ma. It was everything I wanted it to be.
Come, tell Ma all about it.
Well...
John bought me this beautiful corsage.
And then, when we got to the gymnasium,
it was so beautiful.
Anyway, when we got there, we walked in...